I have been suffering from terrible anxiety lately. Paul is set to get home in a little over a month and I am both excited and stressed. How did time creep up on me so unnoticed. I know I should only feel joy right now, but that is not exactly how I work. This six month deployment he has been on I have gone through exactly the same emotions at exactly the same times. It starts with me not really noticing his absence. I have become so used to him being gone for weeks that for the first 6 weeks or so it just feels like a short absence. I can deal. Then reality sets in, I become depressed, lonely, suspicious of his activities and feelings, and restless. After a couple of weeks of that I desperately try to establish a routine to throw myself into. I start watching what I eat, working out, getting crafty, reading, getting out. I pretty much stick to that until he has been gone for 4 months. The entire time I am doing this the negativity slowly goes away. I start living like I am single (except the whole pesky dating thing.) It is easier to pretend it is just me and my son than dwell on the separation. When there are only 2 months left I fall off the wagon. I get restless all over, I wonder if he has changed his feelings towards me, I stop working out, start eating more, become lethargic. Now I am at the next to final stage. Panic. I have 1 month to lose those last few pounds. I want to look perfect when we see each other again. Hopefully it will remind him of what he originally saw in me. Or at least his original attraction. I am working out twice as much, trying to skip eating all together, and get all those last minute things done (hair cut, color, outfit picked out, trip planned!!!) The last stage will be the night before he gets home-terror!!! I am trying to prepare myself for it now. At least I know to expect it. And I know to expect the first few hours to feel awkward and out of place.

So yeah- anxiety on anxiety on anxiety...