I am very angry at this moment. This is either the worst time to be focusing on posting a blog, or the absolute best time.
Paul has been gone for almost 4 months now. It still surprises me to say that. Out of sheer stupidity I have been living with his family this entire time. Perhaps it was not stupidity, but definitely optimism. My views have changed in these four months. I can't help but read into actions now. Words don't mean the same thing. I look back on conversations we have had from day one and hear them differently. I now feel as though I have been manipulated. Very diplomatically of course. Used. Controlled.
It sucks to realize that people have their own agendas for their well meant advice. I have always known that is the case, but I allowed myself to be misled in this situation because I wanted to believe their stories of some people doing things for unselfish reasons.
And now I am awake again.
*sigh*
Perhaps I should elaborate. My mother never tried to live through me, nor did she try to live my life for me. She allowed me to make my own decisions, and often my own mistakes. I never got the impression from her that she was disappointed in me for not making the decision she wanted me to. At the age of 25 it is hard for me to except that from some one who is not even my mother. It is even harder for me to handle when I feel as though the criticism has extended to my mothering. I am a good mother. I do things a little different than typical mothers. I don't lie to my son (even when other's think it would be more "tactful.") But I digress. In reality my anger is less about the criticism to my mothering decisions and more having to do with the setting up expectations and calling them goals, then expecting me to make every sacrifice it is possible to make to reach goals that are not mine. Add hypocrisy and double standards and you have pretty much summed up my true issue.
But alas, I am reminded of a piece of advice:
"Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away-and barefoot."
Paul has been gone for almost 4 months now. It still surprises me to say that. Out of sheer stupidity I have been living with his family this entire time. Perhaps it was not stupidity, but definitely optimism. My views have changed in these four months. I can't help but read into actions now. Words don't mean the same thing. I look back on conversations we have had from day one and hear them differently. I now feel as though I have been manipulated. Very diplomatically of course. Used. Controlled.
It sucks to realize that people have their own agendas for their well meant advice. I have always known that is the case, but I allowed myself to be misled in this situation because I wanted to believe their stories of some people doing things for unselfish reasons.
And now I am awake again.
*sigh*
Perhaps I should elaborate. My mother never tried to live through me, nor did she try to live my life for me. She allowed me to make my own decisions, and often my own mistakes. I never got the impression from her that she was disappointed in me for not making the decision she wanted me to. At the age of 25 it is hard for me to except that from some one who is not even my mother. It is even harder for me to handle when I feel as though the criticism has extended to my mothering. I am a good mother. I do things a little different than typical mothers. I don't lie to my son (even when other's think it would be more "tactful.") But I digress. In reality my anger is less about the criticism to my mothering decisions and more having to do with the setting up expectations and calling them goals, then expecting me to make every sacrifice it is possible to make to reach goals that are not mine. Add hypocrisy and double standards and you have pretty much summed up my true issue.
But alas, I am reminded of a piece of advice:
"Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away-and barefoot."
posted by Elliott at 10:52 PM
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